I Also Have a Dream

This has been a very exciting off season for my Dallas Cowboys. First, it was the end of the PacMan Jones era, then the rumors of possibly acquiring God’s linebacker Ray-Ray; then to top them all – Hall of Fame wide receiver Michael Irvin will be producing a reality show to find the 80th man for the upcoming 2009 Cowboys training camp.

The Hall of Fame wide receiver is launching a reality TV show in which 12 "football neophytes" will compete for an impressive grand prize: a spot on the Dallas Cowboys' training-camp roster.

"I don't know if you can walk upon any group of guys that wouldn't say they dreamed of playing in the NFL when they were playing in their front yard," Irvin told The Associated Press on Thursday. "So we're going to take a group of guys from their front yard, dwindle them to one and give that guy the opportunity of a lifetime."

Oh hell yeah, I finally have a shot at realizing my childhood dream of playing for the Cowboys, to wear number 40 and cleaning the clock of some hotshot Redskins rookie returning his first NFL punt; and my adulthood dream of going to a strip club with $81,020 in "visual effects" and "making it rain".

Let's take a look at the requirements:

• Football neophyte? Check.
• They likely will need a football background -- just not too much. Okay, I may have to understate a couple of those 2 point conversions I get playing coed flag football; they don't have to know the whole truth.
• They also must be the right age, size and condition to handle an NFL training camp. Bill Parcells camp, no. We all saw how Wade ran his "Camp Cupcake" last Summer on HBO's School of Hard Knocks; I think an average male who goes to the gym twice a week can survive that camp.

I know the inevitable comparison here is Marky Mark's horrible 2006 movie - Invincible; which I do not think really applies here. Sure, Invincible tells of a alleged true story of a down-on-his-luck Philadelphia school teacher, going to a publicity stunt open tryout, beating the odds and making the roster of his life long favorite team - the Eagles.

Sure at first glance, there are several similarities between the new Michael Irvin's new reality show and the open tryout the Eagles held in 1976; both are publicity stunts, and both undoubtedly had/will attract a lot of people who will give one more shot at realizing a dream. But let's face it - trying out for the Dallas Cowboys, with their five Vince Lombardi trophies is a lot different than trying out for the no Superbowl winning Eagles.

Hollywood, however, loved the story of Vince Papale. Of course with many of these "true" stories, they like to embellish it to make it more interesting, to the point that it is no longer believable.

For one thing, who in their right mind would believe a life long Philadelphia Eagles fan is literate and can legally be within 500 feet of a school?

Second, the female lead and the female supporting actresses are way hotter than any woman I have seen coming out of the sewer that is the Philadelphia sports scene. Lola Glaudini (some of you may remember her as the hot FBI agent on the Sopranos) plays Vince's wife, who leaves him when Vince got laid off from his substitute teaching job. Lady, you married a substitute teacher from South Philadelphia, what did you expect? Caviar at every meal?

After the obligatory furniture smashing and self pity scene, Vince returns to his part time job as a bartender at his buddy's watering hole; where he meets his other love interest - Elizabeth Banks. We are shown that this girl is perfect in every way, smart, beautiful, out going, knowledgeable about sports; except she is a Giants fan.

Now my dear readers, I would leave to you to decide who is more deserving of the punishment, a wife that leaves you when you are down and out, or a girl friend who is a Giants fan.

Okay, at this point let's take stock of how "horrible" Vince Papale's life is: he gets laid off from his teaching job (school systems in South Philly? it's a good thing) and Lola Glaudini walks out on him (bad. She is hot). Then he gets more time to work at his friend's bar and meets Elizabeth Banks. Let see, getting paid to drink with your friends all day, working with a hot girl friend. Right - he's hit rock bottom.

Of course like all Hollywood version of a happy story, our love birds enjoys a few witty jabs back and forth, hold hands, Vince makes the team, blah blah blah.. ever happily after.

Alright, enough talk about the Funky Bunch's crapfest move and back to my dream. Realistically speaking (because Michael Irvin's show is a reality show, and we all know everything that happens on a reality show is exactly how it would have happened without all the cameras and directions from the production company), I should just aim to not be the green-caped fat guy in the tryout scene from Invincible. but hey, this is my dream.

After I make the team, I am optioning my story to Hollywood under the condition that Jet Li will play me in the movie.