Mile High Pimpin'

I had to travel to Denver last week for what turned out to be a fun and educational week.

I stayed at the Hotel Monaco, in Downtown Denver. Instead of going to the usual comedy goldmine tripadvisor.com for hotel review funnies, I found the laughter right in the closet of my room.

Upon arriving Sunday evening, and spending an uneventful meal at the Rock Bottom restaurant - I turned in early. Micro brews always gives me a headache and makes me tired.

Woke up very early Monday morning (still living on East Coast time), went to the closet to get the iron for my cloths and I was greeted by this:


Yes, leopard skin patterned his and hers robes. A closer look:


After my eyeballs stopped hurting, I decided to take some pictures. Upon closer inspection, there were ladies camisole and shorts for sale in the closet:


They had a sign around it informing me that the camisole and shorts are "Not Complementary" and they are in fact for sale at $30 a piece. I don't know how people in Denver roll, but if I find under garments hanging in a closet at a hotel, my first instinct is not to wear it. That may just be me.

After conferring with my coworkers over breakfast and confirming that they had the same things in their closet, and that I didn't mistakenly checked into some safari drag queen fantasy suite (not that there is anything wrong with that); I felt a bit better. Although I am in a city that idolized Jay Cutler - you just never know. After finding out that there is a free happy hour at the hotel lounge every evening, I briefly contemplated with the idea of rocking this robe to Monday's happy hour.

I eventually decided against the idea because:

• This is a work trip, in this economic climate I should be on my best behavior. Although by rocking this robe I would have a strong case for sexual preference discrimination if somehow I was to be disciplined.
  
• I don't think the ladies of Denver can handle this pimp-a-licious robe.

Overall, this hotel was pretty nice. Free hour of booze and appetizers every night (my only complaint is that they only had wine everyday except Tuesday, where they had free Coronas for Cinco de Mayo) is a nice selling point.

They also had this on the desk:

Yep, that's a fish bowl with a single gold fish in it. The sign you see in front of the bowl informed me that the hotel has specialized staff to take care of the fish and I should not feed it, along with a bunch of other nagging tips on how to keep the fish comfortable. I thought about messing with the staff by hiding the fish and leaving a hand written note - "out of sushi, please refill!!".

That would probably get me in some hot water with the PETA folks, but hey, what can they do to me? this is a city that let Kobe get away with rape for Christ sake. But of course, after a few days of free wine and apps, I got lazy and forgot about it.

That was the first two days of the trip, I'll post more about my later adventures in the City of Denver in the upcoming days.

Au Voir, You Cheese-eating Surrender Monkeys

Bruins sweep Canadiens for their first playoff series win versus Montreal in 15 years.

This was too damn easy. How easy? the following video illustrates perfectly the match up between the 2008-2009 Bruins vs. the Montreal Canadiens.

Land of Viking Boat Parties

I traveled to the fair City of Minneapolis with a coworker this week for a work team meeting.

Due to my past success in choosing hotels, the said coworker insisted on selecting the hotel this time around. She selected the hotel that is recommended by our Minneapolis office, the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Bloomington.

Before I give you our impression of the hotel, let's again consult the travel professionals; with a review (fair warning - this person does not believe in paragraphs) from trkej512 of South Dakota:

"I contacted the property directly to make my reservation. I booked a two room suite. Originally I booked the stay for four nights at a rate of $144.00 per night. I checked into the hotel February 20th and left February 21st after one night. "Nina" Was the employee at the check in. She was rude and must have been having a bad day. I went to my room with my family (husband and three kids). After entering the room I found out we had a King Suite but no two room suite. I went downstairs I spoke with "Brian". He informed me there was no way I could have had a reservation for a two room suite as they don't have any rooms that are two room suites. I went back to my room upset."

I am going to give "Nina" the benefit of the doubt here, I am guessing our friend was not too polite to the front desk person after driving for hours from South Dakota to Minneapolis with 3 kids in the car.

"My husband had to leave with our 8 year old daughter for a Jonas Brother's concert at the Target Center. "Nina" called from the front desk. By this time I was in tears."

"Nina" just called out the blue? What the hell is going on here? I am getting the feeling that the Jonas Brothers' concert is probably 6 hours away - the husband would rather go to a Jonas Brothers' show with 50 billion screaming little girls than spend another 10 minuets in the room with this woman.

"My 10 month old son found protein energy wrappers from a turkey meal on the floor. He got the oils in his mouth and got sick."

I have no idea what a "protein energy wrapper from a turkey meal" is. I don't know how they roll in South Dakota, but I am praying to baby Jesus that it's not an euphemism for a used condom.

It just goes on and on and on. To sum it up, "Nina" was mean, "Brian" is incompetent, and "Travis" was nice. She cried, got upset, and went generally bat-shit crazy. The room ended up being comped for the night and they moved to the Embassy Suite. No word on the husband, he was last seen shooting heroin into his eyeballs in the parking lot.

My coworker's stay at the Crowne plaza, while it was not as exciting as trkej512 of South Dakota, she did have several encounters with unwanted insects.

During the first night, we had agreed to meet at the restaurant in the lobby for dinner. As I was sitting there about to dig into my sandwich, I see her scurrying across the lobby - and out the front doors - while holding the drinking glass from the room.

As it turned out, she had captured an Asian Lady Beetle in her bathroom. Being a friend of PETA, she decided to bring it all the way to the lobby and set it free.

The next morning, she captured another two. As we later found out from our Minnesota colleagues, apparently these beetles were becoming a pest in Minnesota. Right before she released the second captured bug, she had made an complaint to the front desk. I guess "Nina" was not at the front desk, the person took the complaint and gave her a room on the woman's only floor.

Woman's only floor; this was an interesting concept to me. Apparently for an extra $30 a night, women can get a room in the women only section of the hotel, where the entrances to the hall way are secured by locks, and be free of harassing men and unwanted insects.

This is what I think goes on in the women only section; I may be wrong.

Another amenity that $30 will buy you is a fridge full of free granola bars and sodas. My coworker took a few everyday and I was flush with free granola bars for the two days I was there. Sure they had pink wrappers and loaded with nutrition for women, they were delicious. I'm not 100% certain but I think they might have something to do with my sudden urge to go shopping at the mall.

Overall, my stay was pleasant. The room was quiet and clean - both lady and bug free, and the staff were very nice. I did get a letter placed under my door on the second day informing me that the hotel's hot water heater was experiencing problems, and we were advised to conserve water and shower outside of the peak 6 AM to 8 AM time period. Of course me being the asshole, I showered at 7 AM for 30 minutes.

My only complaint would be that it took them 45 minutes to make me a damn sandwich at the restaurant, and the look of disgust from the concierge when I ask her where do I buy tickets to go "sitting at Al and Alma's".

Take that!

From the Washington Post:

"Man Removes Car Flag, Gets Clocked by Motorist

A man who grabbed a Dallas Cowboys flag from a car in downtown Washington was punched in the face yesterday, startling passersby in an area that is home to lawyers, lobbyists and expensive shops and restaurants.

It occurred about 6 p.m. in the 1700 block of L Street NW, at a site just west of Connecticut Avenue, where few expect fisticuffs. Commuters were hurrying toward the Farragut North Metro station, and the car was stopped in traffic, police and witnesses said.

"It's crazy," said D.C. police Lt. Eric Hayes of the 2nd District. "It doesn't make sense."

But, he said, someone snatched the flag from a car, apparently threw it down, and crossed the street. "By the time he got across, someone exited the car" and struck him in the face, Hayes said.

It might have been motivated by team loyalty, he said. Or the motorist might have been particular about who touched his car.

One witness said she saw a "big tall man walk up to this guy and hit him across the head." Then, she said, the tall man "got back in his car and drove off."

She said that the motorist "just hit the man and walked off" and that he picked up an object from the ground, which might have been the flag.

The man who was hit fell and struck his head on the sidewalk, she said. Ringed by the concerned and the curious, the man lay facedown on the pavement.

"He was out cold for a good five minutes or so," the witness said.

Police said a man was taken from the scene for treatment of a bruised forehead. "

How does it not make sense?! The man fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia and slightly less famous is starting Jason Cambell at QB; and when you mess with a Cowboys fan, you'll get your ass knocked the fuck out.

It's my bike now!

Happy Easter Everyone!

Bye Bye Steelers

My Most Unhealthy Day of the Year

For the last 15 years or so, I have been going to the Boston Marathon every year.

Well, almost every year, I didn't go last year because I had gone to Vegas the weekend before and spent well above the predetermined entertainment budget at a friend's bachelor weekend, resulting in the finance minister of my home shutting me down for my annual Patriot's Day festivities.

For those of you who are not a resident of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, the Boston Marathon takes place every year on Patriot's Day; it is one of those fake holidays in Massachusetts like St. Patrick's, I mean Evacuation Day, where only government workers gets the day off.

After going for a few years, I saw a pattern developing (beside the obvious The Serpent and the Rainbow zombie looking dudes winning it every year). I noticed there are always a large number of runner posers attending this event.

Who are these posers? They are the people who don't exorcise, but insist on dressing up as a "runner" just for the day; the running outfits, sneakers, water bottles, the power bars. Sure, they maybe inspired to go "jogging" and clutter up my morning commute for a few days after the event, but they'll usually go back to sitting on the couch until January - where they'll spend two weeks or so tying up the machines at my gym while they "rest".


So in order to show these people what's up, I have dedicated Patriot's Day as my most unhealthy day of the year. What does most unhealthy day mean to me? It means I am going to eat everything that is not good for me that I normally avoid during the year. It means such delicious treats such as the street vendor Italian Sausage, the fried dough, and the new contender this year - the McGangbang.


.. and I am going to wash it all down with ungodly amounts of alcohol (well, I will concede that this part is not exactly a detour on how I normally live my life).

In the previous years, my tour of unhealthy living has resulted in a shouting match between me and a woman for urinating publicly at a T station (hey, you got to go you got to go), another shouting match between me and some Uta Pippig fans for laughing at her "running finish", and a wrestling match between me and someone handing out coupons in the crowd while dressed up as a cartoon character of some sort; surprisingly, my memory is a bit fuzzy in regards to that encounter.


This year, when I make my triumphant return to the 113th Boston Marathon, I will have my camera to document the festivities.