Dammit

In addition to getting rich by betting against Big Q's "Lock of the Day", the sports betting world almost had another guarantee win.

This easy money came to us in the form of a 2009 Superbowl Prop bet via Bodog (don't bother looking for it - they have since taken it off the board), where we could have bet on which team's cheerleaders will appear on camera more often.

From NowPublic, the line was:

Pittsburgh -175
Arizona +135


























Why is this bet the lock of the century? The Pittsburgh Steelers do not have cheerleaders. They had been disbanded in 1970, which further proves that Pennsylvania sports fans are homosexuals (not that there is anything wrong with that).

Michael Irvin Reality Show Update

Here is the casting call.

From the link:

Michael Irvin and Spike TV are looking for guys who think they can play either WR or DB! This is for an upcoming reality competition show. The winner will be awarded a coveted spot on the Dallas Cowboys training camp roster!

Looking for elite football athletes whose careers ended on terms other than their own. Did family, friends, finances or an injury prevent you from achieving your lifelong goal of becoming a pro football player? Kurt Warner was bagging groceries before he became a two-time league MVP and Super Bowl Champion. Vince Papale was tending bar before he walked on the Philadelphia Eagles. Could you be the next professional football player to come out of nowhere?

This is a REAL opportunity to make a lifelong dream a reality.

I noticed "lack of size, ability, and or skill" was not listed as a reason why I am not a professional football player. Nor are the positions of kickers, punters, or general members of strip club posse/entourage listed.

This may be harder than I thought.

More Sadness

More Super Bowl party cancellations.















Victims:

Playboy
Sports Illustrated
Cadillac
Nike

They may as well just cancel the game.

More Signs of a Upcoming Crappy Super Bowl

From Smoking Gun, mug shots of 19 women who have been arrested during this week's crackdown on hookers by the Tampa Police.



























I think I have seen hotter cafeteria lunch ladies.

To sum it up:

Less of this


More of this:

Holding a Vigil for the 2009 Lingerie Bowl

As of this post, the 2009 Lingerie Bowl is still canceled.
























The countdown clock on the Lingerie Football League site sill mocks us.

In this age of "hope that we can believe in", how did this happen? Read the articles at Tampa Bay Online for the entire chronology on how we arrived at this impasse.

Oh boy..

Never a dull moment on the ranch
















Cowboys' Terrell Owens gets reality show on VH1

VH1 announced Monday that the series takes place in the offseason, and T.O.'s best friends and publicists — Monique Jackson and Kita Williams — will help him re-examine his personal life. The two will work as "matchmakers and therapists" for Owens.

Well, it's better than being on "Spring Break Ass".

"More full-figured" Jessica Simpson































Jessica Simpson looked a little porky when she turned up at a chili cookoff in Florida, where she entertained the throng with her pop hits “Angel” and “With You.” But the girl’s in luuuuuuuuuuuuv! “I’m so excited I’m going to see my boyfriend tonight,” Jessie told the crowd about her rendezvous with Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo before launching into “You’re My Sunday.” Simpson said, “My boyfriend is a football player, and he takes up my Sundays and now my Mondays. I am sooooo happy.”

A little tip Jessica, looking more like Jason Witten is not the way to keep Tony's attention. Despite what T.O. says.

Yep, They WERE the Best

What, no witty Hitler videos this year?

AHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Poor kid, first he caught the fat, then his top seeded Giants get beat by the 6th seed.

AHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I Also Have a Dream

This has been a very exciting off season for my Dallas Cowboys. First, it was the end of the PacMan Jones era, then the rumors of possibly acquiring God’s linebacker Ray-Ray; then to top them all – Hall of Fame wide receiver Michael Irvin will be producing a reality show to find the 80th man for the upcoming 2009 Cowboys training camp.

The Hall of Fame wide receiver is launching a reality TV show in which 12 "football neophytes" will compete for an impressive grand prize: a spot on the Dallas Cowboys' training-camp roster.

"I don't know if you can walk upon any group of guys that wouldn't say they dreamed of playing in the NFL when they were playing in their front yard," Irvin told The Associated Press on Thursday. "So we're going to take a group of guys from their front yard, dwindle them to one and give that guy the opportunity of a lifetime."

Oh hell yeah, I finally have a shot at realizing my childhood dream of playing for the Cowboys, to wear number 40 and cleaning the clock of some hotshot Redskins rookie returning his first NFL punt; and my adulthood dream of going to a strip club with $81,020 in "visual effects" and "making it rain".

Let's take a look at the requirements:

• Football neophyte? Check.
• They likely will need a football background -- just not too much. Okay, I may have to understate a couple of those 2 point conversions I get playing coed flag football; they don't have to know the whole truth.
• They also must be the right age, size and condition to handle an NFL training camp. Bill Parcells camp, no. We all saw how Wade ran his "Camp Cupcake" last Summer on HBO's School of Hard Knocks; I think an average male who goes to the gym twice a week can survive that camp.

I know the inevitable comparison here is Marky Mark's horrible 2006 movie - Invincible; which I do not think really applies here. Sure, Invincible tells of a alleged true story of a down-on-his-luck Philadelphia school teacher, going to a publicity stunt open tryout, beating the odds and making the roster of his life long favorite team - the Eagles.

Sure at first glance, there are several similarities between the new Michael Irvin's new reality show and the open tryout the Eagles held in 1976; both are publicity stunts, and both undoubtedly had/will attract a lot of people who will give one more shot at realizing a dream. But let's face it - trying out for the Dallas Cowboys, with their five Vince Lombardi trophies is a lot different than trying out for the no Superbowl winning Eagles.

Hollywood, however, loved the story of Vince Papale. Of course with many of these "true" stories, they like to embellish it to make it more interesting, to the point that it is no longer believable.

For one thing, who in their right mind would believe a life long Philadelphia Eagles fan is literate and can legally be within 500 feet of a school?

Second, the female lead and the female supporting actresses are way hotter than any woman I have seen coming out of the sewer that is the Philadelphia sports scene. Lola Glaudini (some of you may remember her as the hot FBI agent on the Sopranos) plays Vince's wife, who leaves him when Vince got laid off from his substitute teaching job. Lady, you married a substitute teacher from South Philadelphia, what did you expect? Caviar at every meal?

After the obligatory furniture smashing and self pity scene, Vince returns to his part time job as a bartender at his buddy's watering hole; where he meets his other love interest - Elizabeth Banks. We are shown that this girl is perfect in every way, smart, beautiful, out going, knowledgeable about sports; except she is a Giants fan.

Now my dear readers, I would leave to you to decide who is more deserving of the punishment, a wife that leaves you when you are down and out, or a girl friend who is a Giants fan.

Okay, at this point let's take stock of how "horrible" Vince Papale's life is: he gets laid off from his teaching job (school systems in South Philly? it's a good thing) and Lola Glaudini walks out on him (bad. She is hot). Then he gets more time to work at his friend's bar and meets Elizabeth Banks. Let see, getting paid to drink with your friends all day, working with a hot girl friend. Right - he's hit rock bottom.

Of course like all Hollywood version of a happy story, our love birds enjoys a few witty jabs back and forth, hold hands, Vince makes the team, blah blah blah.. ever happily after.

Alright, enough talk about the Funky Bunch's crapfest move and back to my dream. Realistically speaking (because Michael Irvin's show is a reality show, and we all know everything that happens on a reality show is exactly how it would have happened without all the cameras and directions from the production company), I should just aim to not be the green-caped fat guy in the tryout scene from Invincible. but hey, this is my dream.

After I make the team, I am optioning my story to Hollywood under the condition that Jet Li will play me in the movie.

This is not going to end well..

This from the Ravens Insider Blog:

"Dallas owner Jerry Jones believes his team is in the serious hunt for a Super Bowl title next season, and that Lewis could help solve some of the team's problems inside the locker room."

Solve some of the team's problems inside the locker room? How? Instead of the 25 cents "swear jar" type of fines for being late to meetings, Ray-Ray will now stab you; or he can also "talk" would be car-jacking hoodlums out of committing crimes in the Greater Dallas area.

But wait, he doesn't even do that anymore since he found God.

Okay, I am envisioning him running around at Valley Ranch yelling "Being late and having secret QB and Tight End meetings makes Baby Jesus CRY!!"

On second thought, this might be fun to watch:

More explosive personalities on a team managed by Lumbergh + new stadium + more media attention == FUN.

Ed Werder will be asking for a raise.

Todd Haley

""He was the only one with the [guts] to tell Jerry 'I really want this job but I can’t coach this team with this guy on it. And I don’t think you are going to win anything of any consequence with this guy on it.’ "

- Keyshawn Johnson, the O.G. of problematic recievers, endorsing Todd Haley as a head coach for the Cowboys.

That was the what Haley told Jerry Jone when he was being interviewed for the job Coach Cupcake now holds.

Some of you may remember Haley from this little gem back in 2006.

Was Todd right? well, he's going to the Superbowl. Knowing Jerry Jones, I can now look forward to either Anquan Boldin and or Plax joining the Cowboys receiving corp in the very near future.

Kanpai!

From the land of tentacle rape and hantai, comes this video of a fat American woman named Wendy.



From what I can gather from the video, she is an English teacher of some sort over in the land of the rising sun. No word yet on whether she is a fan of the Pittsburgh Steelers or how many of her students she has eaten.

me gustó!

In addition to delicious sea bass, our neighbors to the south has produced Ricardo Oyarzun, a Chilean designer; who has angered the Catholic Church by "dressing up models like the Virgin Mary -- in some cases with ample, near-naked breasts."

This is awesome in several ways. First of all, anything with a description of "ample, near-naked breasts" can't be bad. Ever.

Second, instead of taking the wimpy blasphemy route like the Piss Christ, our friend Ricardo has created blasphemy we can actually enjoy.

Third, I don't believe in God, but just in case if there is a God; here is a fella I am going to point to on judgment day and say "hey, at least I didn't pimp out the virgin Mary like Lexus on the main stage" (The Piss Christ guy would be next, I ain't taking any chances - I am ratting everybody out).

Last but not least, the Catholic Church should really be thanking Mr. Oyarzun. If the churches were adorned with art such as this, there would be waiting lists for each mass.

In effort to stop Ricardo and his awesome show, the conservative groups in Chili has gone to the courts, threaten him over the telephone, and spread shit on his doorsteps. In defense of his art, Ricardo has said "There is no pornography here, there's no sex, there are no virgins menstruating or feeling each other up". I can see the sex and feeling each other up part, but virgins menstruating? Now I have seen some messed up porn, like two girls one cup or shake the bear (NSFW), but I think you're setting the porn bar a bit too high there Señor Ricardo.

They were who we thought they were

.. with your tiny little fat balled up fists, pawing at the air... Dear, 8-pound, 6-ounce, newborn infant Jesus, don't even know a word yet, just a little infant and so cuddly, but still omnipotent..

Kick to the Groin

Its been more than two weeks, and I am still trying to recover from watching the Dallas Cowboys bring their big jumbo bag of FAIL up to Philadelphia.

For those of you who have not been following the NFL this past year, the Dallas Cowboys were one of the teams favored to win the Superbowl at the beginning of season. But thanks to undisciplined play, poor coaching, and untimely injuries - the Cowboys found themselves in a situation where they must win their final game to advance to the playoffs.

Against Philadelphia.

In Philadelphia.

For those of us who followed the Cowboys throughout the years, knows that winning at Philadelphia is never easy. Over the last few decades, these two teams always played hard against each other; it didn't matter if the division lead was on the line, or if either or both teams were out of it - it has always been a war. Why? because these teams simply hate each other.

For this match up, there is an added bonus, the loser goes home for the winter. A one game playoff, a chance to stick it to the other team and finish their 2008 season. If memory serves correct, the last time these two teams faced off in a game like this was the 1980 NFC Championship game (which I watched in the T.V. department at Sears - that's another post for another day).

So with all that's at stake - one would reasonably believe that my beloved Cowboys would be prepared and ready to sock it to the Eagles.

Nope, not these guys.

A week after giving up the longest two TD runs by an opposing team in Texas Stadium history, in painfully obvious, even a 5 year old can see "run up the middle" situations; the Cowboys decides to top that stinker with a 44-6 no show effort.

Watching the game was painful. Knowing that stupid Philadelphia fans are happy made it even worse. Why do I not Philadelphia fans? Here are few reasons:

• They pelted Santa with snowballs.
• They behave so badly that prompted the city to build a court room and a jail right in the stadium.
• They support a team who was the subject of a MarkyMark movie.
• They support a team that shares the mascot name with an overrated college; who could not win the 2008 Lord of the Gays bowl, and can't beat Harvard in basketball.
  
• They kill puppies and use the corpse for bonfires at tailgate parties. * Citation needed.
  

As much fun it is to point out why the average Philadelphia sports fan is worst than Hitler and their women are all a bunch of gutter whores; I must place the blame for the Cowboys' debacle of a season squarely in the lap of the same Cowboys.

Dallas Morning News columnist Jean-Jaques Taylor accurately described in his write-up of the final game that the 2008 Dallas Cowboys is "the most gutless team in franchise history". He goes on to list the gory details of another 1-3 December finish, and questions the "get tough" pledge that Wade Phillips has promised for his continue employment in 2009.

How do I think it'll work out? Let take a look at the video from the Cowboys safety Keith Davis' birthday party, the day AFTER the lost at the Linc. Yes, you read that correctly, the very day after.

Tearful defense from T.O. for his coach? nope. Look at the smirks on the faces of the players 2:20 into the video when Taylor asked about Phillips' "get tough" promise. Yeah, that's how I think it'll work out too.

The Pain Continues

We now sit just days away from the Conference Championships - and the Eagles have managed to win two playoff games on the road; beating the top seeded Giants in the process. While their fans celebrate wildly, poking fun of the fallen Giants; I am laying all my hopes on Kurt Warner and Baby Jesus to smite the Philistines.